The Honest Heart blog

Laying Down and Moving On

‘Oh, it’s Sunday again, Lord, and here I am, off to church - and quite looking forward to it, I must say. Who’d have thought it? Thank you for bringing me to this place. It's taken a while to find somewhere, and to settle, but I quite like it here, thank you.’ I feel him smile.

“Yes, child,” he says, “and we both know why you like it here.”

I smile too. ‘No secrets from you, Lord, You are right. It;s quite dim in here, so no standing out to navigate, and very busy so I can slip in and out with ease. Few notice me. Just the way I like it.’

“Mmm,” I hear him say, “there is that other matter we have been discussing recently. The one about serving and being part of the body, finding what you’re good at etcetera. Anymore thoughts on that child?”

‘Oh yes, I remember Lord. You took me to Galatians 6 verse 4 and it tells me to, ‘make a careful exploration of who I am and the work I have been given and sink myself into that. Don’t be impressed with myself (easy), don’t compare myself with others (a bit more difficult!). Each of us taking responsibility for doing the creative best we can with our own lives.’ Is that what you are referring to, Lord? Easier said than done, but yes, I am open to finding a role. Something in the background, I think, preferably not involving people (read definitely for preferably!)

Oh, here come the announcements. What was that Debbie said? A Ladies’ Night? Really? Oh no, not for me Father. Delete that as an idea. Such an old-fashioned concept, I am surprised given it seems such a trendy church. But defo not for me. I got the album and the T-shirt on that gig, oh, 40 years ago now. No, I won’t be doing that again.’

“Really,” I hear him ask.

‘Oh, now, Lord, you know that is not my bag. Women – picky, opinionated, loud, competitive, unpredictable, sensitive. HARD WORK ALL ROUND. I should know, I’ve been one all my life! Actually, the other sort you created are so much easier for me to navigate - predictable, with simple needs, a good meal, a warm bed, a clean shirt, and the odd squeeze – preferably, although not always, with the one they have a license for!! A tad irritating and very hard of hearing most of the time (maybe that is why they are so hard to offend, they don’t hear us in the first place). Still, overall, they are easier to deal with than women. Thank you anyway for the thought, but defo, no Ladies’ Night for me!’

A few days on I chat with a friend. “Have you signed up for the Ladies’ Night?” she asks.

‘No,’ I reply, ‘not my thing, don’t see the need. Christian entertainment at best! Have you?’ “No,” she says, “but maybe we should show our support for the girls.” ‘Maybe,’ I concede tentatively, playing the game somewhat but not committing.

Another week on at our Bible study group and the request comes for help with hosting at said Ladies’ Night. ‘Father,’ I cry out inside, ‘I so don’t want to be a part of this.’

“I know, child,” he replies, “but there are those conversations we have had about finding ways to serve within the family, and you can do tea and coffee with your eyes closed. I’m really not asking very much.”

‘Yes,’ I say, ‘but we agreed I would be much better at something with no humanity involved. Cleaning toilets, for instance. No one wants to hang around and chat to you whilst you are doing that. Serving tea and coffee on the other hand is a bit more risky.’ The father is quiet. ‘And,’ I continue, ‘people are so messy, Lord.’

“Ah yes, I agree with you there. Look at what you did with Eden, with my creation, your lives and relationships and a host of perfect gifts I have given you. Indeed yes, you are a messy lot.”

‘I’m glad we agree’ I push on, ‘and costly Lord, they are sooo costly too.’

“Yes, child,” He says so clearly, “I, more than anyone, know just how costly relationship with you is. Calvary, remember?”

My turn to pause. ‘Oh yes Father.’ I hang my head. ‘Calvary. How could I forget? Indeed, you know best of all the cost of this relationship with me and my kind.

“But oh, so worth it, my child,” He smiles.

‘There is another small remaining fact, Father. I don’t need any more friends! Sure, we both know, you have blessed me well with good friends through my adult life and although I know I have failed at much, nurturing and investing in these gifts is something I feel I have done reasonably well.’

“I know this child. I have watched you walk alongside and help to carry heavy loads. I have seen it all.”

‘Well then, are we agreed? No need of any new friends.’

“Maybe others need you child, and I noticed you seem to like that new bunch I introduced you to recently.”

‘Oh yes, them. You were a bit sneaky with that Lord. You put that to me as a tiny group of three and within two weeks it had grown arms and legs, doubled in size and no small personalities in there either I might add. If I had known where that was going I’d never have agreed to the first proposal. Still, you are right. I haven’t laughed so much in years’.

“I knew you needed to laugh again, child. I know all your needs better than you do and I am so thrilled that you are enjoying this part of my family. So, this Ladies’ Night. Will you help?”

‘Okay Father, but only the tea and coffee. No more, but yes, I will be obedient.’

“Obedient with a very small O,” I think I hear Him say, followed by a suggestion that maybe I adopt the attitude my mother would have had and put ‘my best foot forward,’ as she would have said.

‘I will try,’ I finally concede.

As I reflect over the coming week about the females in my family and how they loved events such as these, I find myself asking Him why I am so very different, feeling a dread and fear in respect of them.

Immediately he takes me - the mature woman - back to a different place and time where I watch myself as a small child and see her experiences as clear as day. I hear Him say, “This is why you feel as you do, fearful and apprehensive in this kind of situation. I was there too child and saw it all.”

So painful for me to watch, He knows this. A place I try to avoid at all costs, sadder still when I realise that in many areas of my adult life I have been operating from that small child’s place of fear.

“So, child,” the father speaks, “shall we continue on in this wilderness area or will you step out into the Promised Land with me? I’ve heard you say to me recently that you don’t want to keep wandering in the desert areas of your life. Life is so short now, what you have left compared to what lies behind and you know I can do great things as you let me in. You’ve been experiencing that recently and I can do great things again in this situation.”

He lays down the choices and the challenges.

And so arrives the evening. We are all there and all bizz, surrounded by tray bakes, tea, coffee, fabulous flowers, music, and furniture removed. ALL A GO. It’s not so bad, I think!!

And then the door opens and in comes an Armada of femininity in full sail on a tidal wave of hormones! I feel like I am in a small dinghy about to capsize and be drowned. Such a strength of feeling it takes my breath away. Another child notices my discomfort and asks if I am ok. How could she know, I wonder? I briefly stand outside of myself and look and see what she sees and also understand she was looking out for me and saw that small dinghy being tossed and turned by that fear again.

For most, the evening seems to go well. We listen to Debbie, Lynn and the others share their vision for more events such as this (I inwardly groan) and also, it seems, a vision for us all to commit intergenerationally. How ridiculous, I think. I share with my chum on the way home my thoughts and feelings on the silliness of this vision, ‘After all, I have nothing to offer these girls. They speak a different language, they have different interests and a different way of life. More to the point, they have more confidence in their young years than I have had a taste of in my whole entire life. I’m sure too that when they look at me they must think I came out of the Ark with Noah. These days, homemaking seems to consist of wearing matching pyjamas whilst eating takeaway and watching a Disney movie.’ I add that, ‘in my day, homemaking consisted of expertise in stain removal, making much with little, facilitating everyone else’s lives and happiness, and never, ever, ever sitting down.’

My chum doesn’t disagree but suggests that maybe our role is to support and facilitate and this reassures me somewhat and I reflect on the rest of the evening and realise that I did enjoy the practical side and being part of the team – my own opinions to the side.

‘Job done, father’, I say quietly.

His reply comes as a question. “Yes, child. But there is that other matter of whether you will allow me to bring you out of this wilderness part of your life?”

‘Well, you know, Father, you are with me even here. It’s grown familiar - comfortable even - and there is always manna!’

“Yes, child, but manna gets a little boring after all this time. And comfort, I hear you say. I don’t think Mary found the stable very comfortable for her maternity purposes, and the donkey ride into Jerusalem was anything but comfortable either and what lay beyond that was unthinkable. Comfort is something I promised you on your journey, but it is not a destination.
Indeed, this journey into the Promised Land won’t be comfortable. Yes, there are giants to slay and enemies to drive out, but the battles and the victory are mine. I am with you always; I go before you and I make the way.
So, will you lay this down? We can move on and swap that manna for milk and honey?” He holds out His hand, “shall we go?”