Confidence

Confidence, a big word with a huge personality. ‘belief in oneself, ones abilities, self-confidence…assurance…’

A word I have aspired to be for as long as I can remember.

Confidence as a child? No, as the youngest, often seen as the ‘spoilt’ one who was just given what they wanted without having to try or work at things.

Confidence as school? No, never quite as good as that friend, grades not quite measuring up to what was expected of me, however much work and revision was put in.

Confidence in friendships? No, never quite as ‘perfect as the other person.

Confidence in how I look? No, never quite as attractive or trendy as the person next to me.

Confidence in myself? No, always trying to be what I perceived others wanted me to be and never quite managing it.

Then started to come was the realisation that being the youngest did not mean I got everything, but instead blessed to have older siblings who look out for me and support me. That however much work was I put in, I could never be the person I perceived others saw me as because I am me, through and through with my own personality and qualities, my own thoughts, my own value. That however much I saw others as ‘perfect’ they all had their own struggles. 

We all hide behind certain masks and our confidence becomes shadowed by lies. If only I could fully see and believe in who I am and my own qualities. But how? How do I see the person I am really meant to be, the person I was created to be…?

I needed to start looking at where I was looking for my confidence to come from. Who am I looking to and seeing that will provide my confidence?

In reality, no-one can do that. It comes from within, from life experiences, from challenges, but most of all from God. The one who created me to be me. The One who give me my personality. The One who gave me the ability to think my own thoughts, to have my own voice. The One who wants me to just be who I was created to be. 

It is only God who can give the full confidence I look for. So, I try to look to Him. 

At times, I think I am making progress, thinking, yes, I can do this. And then bang, along comes another challenge, another situation or set of circumstances I feel I can’t do. Another friendship I suddenly feel I can’t aspire to. Another time my confidence crashes and my heart cries out to God saying, ‘I can’t’ instead of ‘I can, through Him’. 

So, I continue daily on this roller coaster of highs and lows of working it out. Of one day having all the confidence in the world, and then the next, flat on my face in weakness and uncertainty. And there is God, once again gently picking me up, raising me to my feet, saying ‘Look up at me, you’ve got this, and I’ve got you’.